


Without You: Virmire

by BardofHeartDive



Series: Without You [1]
Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Colonist (Mass Effect), F/M, Grief/Mourning, Headcanon, Loss, Lost Love, Mass Effect Spoilers, Tale of Woe, War Hero (Mass Effect)
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-05-25
Updated: 2015-06-10
Packaged: 2018-04-01 03:25:31
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 4
Words: 3,528
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4004029
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BardofHeartDive/pseuds/BardofHeartDive
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Divergent point: Mara leaves Kaidan behind on Virmire.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> It occurred to me a while back that I believe Shepard could have left (a romanced) Kaidan on Virmire, she just wouldn't have survived it. That thought became this story (and the premise of this series in general).

This was wrong. All wrong. Kaidan was supposed to be with the salarians.

Bradley was supposed to be arming the bomb. Ashley was supposed to be holding the area. And Kaidan was supposed to be at the AA guns with the salarians.

Because that was what it would come down to.

She had known as soon as she saw the second troop ship but her mind was still racing, searching for another option. If it were merely an issue of Alenko or Williams, Kaidan or Ashley, she could have made the case. He was the superior officer. He was a biotic, a tech specialist, and a field medic. But there were the salarians.

How could she stand before the Council, calling for unity in the face of Reapers, after leaving the salarians to die?

So, while the tiny part of her that was Mara thrashed uselessly against the inevitable, the part that was Commander Shepard gave the order.

"Williams, radio Joker and tell him to meet us at the AA tower."

"Yes, Commander. I . . . "

Despite the shock in Ashley's voice, Kaidan's was sure and steady. "It's the right choice and you know it, Ash."

"Stay alive," Mara told him. She wouldn't apologize. Apologizing meant she was giving up. "I'll be coming to get you too, Kaidan."

"I think we both know that's not going to happen, Commander."

And that was it. That was too much.

She switched to a private comm channel. "Kaidan, I'm coming back."

"Shepard, the Normandy just left."

"It doesn't matter. I'll send Wrex and Garrus to meet them at the AA tower. They can come back and get us after - "

"Commander - "

"I'm not leaving you!"

"Mara." He had never called her by her first name. It stunned her long enough for him to continue. "It's okay. You need to go get Ash and Kirrahe."

Garrus and Wrex were specifically not looking at her. They wouldn't be able hear Kaidan's half of the conversation but without her helmet there was no way to hide hers. She didn't care. Even though her voice sounded as broken as she felt. Even though her entire body was shaking. She was beyond caring.

"I can't leave you."

"Yes, you can." He sighed. "You know, the first time I saw you all I could think was that everyone said you were too pretty to be a marine. And it didn't make sense because you were damn beautiful but being a marine was part of that. Because it was part of you. I should have told you before."

"Kaidan . . . "

"I know. But you need to go." He closed the link.

"Kaidan?"

Nothing.

"Kaidan!"

She screamed, a wordless cry of anguish, and felt herself engulfed in her own biotics. She was a phoenix, burning herself to ashes. When the energy around her subsided she was a creature not of fire but ice.

"Let's move," she said.


	2. Chapter 2

Anderson waited at Flux, not sure what to expect when Shepard arrived. He had been hearing quite a bit about her recently and all of it concerned him.

It had started with Udina's snide complaints about the grief she was causing him with the Council. In and of itself that was business as usual but two weeks ago he had called Anderson to his office fuming about a "diplomatic incident." Her call to brief the Council after Virmire had turned into an open argument with Sparatus. Tevos had tried to defuse the situation but before she could calm either of them down, Shepard had disconnected. Udina was furious. Anderson understood her actions but they were out of character.

Things got worse from there. Hackett had forwarded him information from two missions she had been involved with on her way back to the Citadel. The first was a full report from a rescue mission to free five drugged researchers from biotic fanatics. Two of the scientists had been killed in the crossfire. The results themselves weren't troubling, it was the fact that they were Commander Shepard's results. She had walked into Major Kyle's cult and convinced him to surrender himself peacefully. She had negotiated the hostage situation with Chairman Burns without any bloodshed, even from the people holding him. It surprised Hackett, and Anderson for that matter, that there had been any casualties. The other was shorter, an excerpt from another report written by a Lieutenant Durand. Shepard had helped her team with a rachni nest on Nepmos. She described the commander as "indifferent" and "ruthlessly efficient." In any other circumstance Anderson would have thought it was a joke.

Most damning, though, was the message he had received from Dr. Chakwas. She had used his personal address and been very careful to keep everything off the record. She had noticed a number of changes in the commander's habits since Virmire. None of them were explicitly inappropriate but she was worried. As the chief medical officer, she would have been within her rights to remove Shepard from command of a purely Alliance vessel. The commander's Spectre status, coupled with the Council's contributions toward building the Normandy, muddied things. Karin wasn't sure the best way to proceed. 

Given the recent changes in her behavior, he almost expected her physical appearance to be different as well. But when she entered the club, flanked by an asari and a krogan, she looked just like she had when he recommended her to for Spectre candidacy.

"I'm glad you came, Shepard," he said. "I heard what happened."

He gave her an opportunity to respond but she didn't take it. She just watched him with a pleasant, attentive expression. It was unsettling, in some indeterminable way. Each individual feature was amiable but, taken as a whole, it made him wary.

"I tried to warn you but Udina wouldn't - "

"Does it matter at this point?"

"I know you're pissed off now, but you can't give up. You have to go to Ilos."

"Fine. Get me a ship."

There should have been some difference in her, Anderson thought. Some glint in her eyes or change in her posture should have told him that she was not who she was before. But no matter how long he studied her, he couldn't find anything.

"If I can access a console in the Citadel control center, I can unlock the Normandy. You'll have a few minutes before anyone realizes what's happened."

"You'll be the one left holding the bag."

"Does it matter at this point?" he asked, turning her own words against her. "Just make sure you're in the Normandy when the systems come back on-line."

"I'll be there." Shepard stood but didn't take a step to leave. She extended her hand to him and shook it once. She said, "Be careful, sir."

And then she was gone.

* * *

Mara fought to suppress the laugh that was building in her chest. She was standing before the Council she had just sacrificed between two and three thousand lives to save in the one area of the Presidium that was not completely covered in the remains of Sovereign listening to them accept humanity into their ranks. All she wanted to do was laugh.

"Given all that has happened," Tevos was saying, "I am sure your recommendation will carry a great deal of weight, Commander. Do you support any particular candidate?"

A giggle escaped, breaking the flood gates.

"You really think this matters, don't you?" she managed to gasp between uncontrollable bursts of laughter. "All this proposing and discussing and appealing? You think it's going to amount to something in the end?"

They were looking at her like she was crazy. Maybe she was crazy.

Valern tried this time, "Commander, your frustration is understandable - "

She turned away long enough to biotically throw a piece of rubble only slightly smaller than a Mako, then whirled back at the Council. All of her humor had turned to accusation.

"I told you! I told you Saren was a traitor and you didn't listen! I told you the Reapers were the real threat and you didn't listen! I told you to send a fleet to Ilos and you didn't listen! And now, now that - " Kaidan " - the crews of eight Alliance cruisers are dead, now that the most important question you can come up with is who do I think will make the better paper-pusher, now you're listening? Ask me again when your worlds are in ruins."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Canon Notes:  
> It has come to my attention that you can't do anything after Virmire except go back to the Citadel. This doesn't make sense to me (especially since you CAN do other things after you're wanted for stealing a prototype warship from the Alliance and the Council). So for my purposes any missions completed after stealing the Normandy actually happen on the way back from Virmire and Shepard goes straight to Ilos from the Citadel.


	3. Chapter 3

Running through Saren’s facility, away from Kaidan, the first thing Mara saw was pink and white armor. Ashley was providing cover fire for a salarian medic treating one of his teammates. That armor was how she knew she had reached the AA towers.

So when Ashley appeared from behind a building and introduced her to the mechanic with a list of titles that meant nothing in the end, all Mara heard was Kaidan.

_“It’s the right choice and you know it, Ash.”_

Delan’s voice, on the other hand, cut cleanly through the memory. “All the good people we lost, and you get left behind.”

Only one person got to think that. No one got to say it.

Mara’s fist smashed into his face. There was an audible pop as his jaw dislocated and his nose erupted in a river of blood. He crumpled to the ground. His breaths came in gurgles, the only indication he was still alive. It didn’t matter either way. The only thing that mattered was that he stopped talking.

Leaving him where he lay, she turned to the Alliance officer. Ashley was watching her with some caution, as if she hadn’t decided how to react.

“Williams.”

“Commander.”

Ashley had tried for neutral but an undertone of disappointment slipped through.

“Not any more,” Mara corrected sharply. “What are you doing here?”

“Investigating the disappearances.” Anger slowly began to tinge her words. “Same as you, I bet. Only you’re with Cerberus.”

“I am. I find their willingness to take action a refreshing change from what I’ve had to deal with before.”

“What about Kahoku?” Ashley demanded.

“What about him? He’s dead.”

“And it was Cerberus who killed him!”

_“You need to go get Ash and Kirrahe.”_

“How many men have you killed?” Veerla asked in response. “How many have I?”

It was rhetorical. It all came down to one. Judging by the almost inaudible gasped that escaped the soldier, Ashley knew what she meant. Mara gave her a silent count of three to recover and say something before turning to go.

“He wouldn’t want this,” Ashley called but Shepard’s count had already reached five. “He wouldn’t want you to abandon the Alliance.”

“The last time I did what he wanted, I abandoned him.”

* * *

Kelly stood in front of the door, trying to decide what to do next. The Illusive Man had never explicitly told her to search Shepard’s quarters but he had made it very clear that, as the ship’s counselor, she had unrestricted access to all parts of the ship. Should she feel it necessary, her identification codes could override any of the locks, even to the cabin.

She had never felt it necessary until after Horizon, when Miranda reported finding the Spectre passed out in the crew-deck lounge. After trying, and failing, to rouse her Dr. Dewey had been called in. Shepard’s blood alcohol level was 0.37. Dewey had administered a binding agent to treat the overdose, as well as a cardiac and respiratory stimulant and fluids, and kept her in the medbay for 24 hours of observation. Shepard had refused to stay after she regained consciousness and had ignored Kelly’s requests to talk about the incident.

Shepard might be a danger to herself and, if so, Kelly needed to know.

She entered her access code and the doors slid open.

She wasn’t entirely sure what she was looking for but the answer was obvious as soon as she saw the room. The display case around the office area and the face of the fish tank were covered in papers. For all her hesitation opening the door, she entered without pause and examined one of the sheets on the fish tank.

_Dear Doctor and Mrs. Alenko,_

_By this time I’m sure the Alliance has notified you of Kaidan’s death. I am so sorry for not informing you personally. Please believe me when I say I wanted to. I just couldn’t find the words. . . ._

For some reason, reading the letter seemed more like an intrusion than overriding the lock so Kelly turned her attention to other papers.

_. . . Serving with Kaidan was an honor and a privileged. I cannot repay the debt that I owe you and your family for being given the opportunity. . . ._

_. . . Please accept my sincere condolences for the tragic loss of such a fine officer. Your son served the Alliance beyond the call of duty and he will be forever remembered by all of us here on the Normandy. . . ._

_. . . Kaidan’s actions on Virmire were nothing short of heroic. It is no exaggeration to say that his sacrifice saved the entire galaxy. . . ._

_. . . I can’t tell you how lucky I was to have someone like Kaidan with me on this mission. I have missed him more than I can say. . . ._

It was the same on both sides of the display case. Each was a letter written to Doctor and Mrs. Alenko about the loss of their son during the mission on Virmire. Some were formal, others so familiar Kelly was fairly certain Shepard hadn’t planned to send them when she wrote them. Most were between one to two pages in length but a few were longer and one of them, which ran in a strip across the top of the fish tank, was nine. As far as she could tell, none of them had been sent.

The quiet hiss of the doors was immediately followed by the much louder cocking of a gun. Kelly turned to find Shepard standing in the open doorway, holding her pistol ready.

“What are you doing?” she asked. Her voice was even but cold and hard. Keeping her gun trained on the Kelly she entered the room.

“I was just . . . ”

“Leaving.”

“Yes,” Kelly agreed. “Yes, exactly.”

She all but ran to the elevator with Shepard’s gun following her the entire way.

* * *

Shepard wished she had fired on the yeoman. Her aim was good enough that she could have avoided a lethal shot but she was worried about the letters. A through-and-through might have damaged the papers behind the target and any shot would have resulting blood splatter.

There was enough blood on them already.

It bothered her that Kelly had gotten in but she had an idea why she was there. It would look bad on her resume if Shepard, God’s gift to humanity, became a drunk on her watch.

There wasn’t any need to worry, though. When she had started drinking the alcohol had dulled, then numbed the pain. It had been pleasant at first, which is why she had continued even after she knew she had reached her limit. But then, just before she lost consciousness, she tried to conjure up Kaidan’s face and found she couldn’t. The image that came to mind was similar but the eyes were too close and the chin was too wide. When she got those right the nose was too small and the ears were too high. No matter what she fixed, she couldn’t get it right.

The last thing she remembered was panic and the thought that she had failed him again.

She looked at the letters and swore to herself never again.

* * *

“Ms. Chambers, this is highly irregular.”

“I understand, sir,” Kelly answered, “but I believe this information is vital to building a complete picture of Shepard’s psyche. I need it to do my job.”

“Are you concerned about Shepard?”

“No, sir. At least, no more than I’ve previously reported.”

“I’ll forward the file to your private address, Ms. Chambers.” There was a long exhale, creating a stream of holographic smoke. “It was not easy to come by. Make sure your results are worth the effort.”

“Yes, sir.”

The link disconnected and Kelly left the conference room. She took the elevator down a level and used her privileged access code to enter the Life Support Control Room. Locking the door behind her, she pulled up her messages on her omni-tool.

She had only requested one thing but the Illusive Man had sent her a huge file containing enough reading material to keep her busy for the rest of mission. There were complete Alliance service records for both Dr. Michael Alenko and his son, classified files from a biotic training program run by Conatix, and a number of reports from various sources about what happened on Virmire. Sorting through it took the better part of an hour but eventually she found what she was looking for.

The letter of condolence Shepard had actually sent was a form letter and short.

_Dear Doctor and Mrs. Alenko,_

_Please accept these condolences on the loss of your son, Staff Lieutenant Kaidan Alenko, on behalf of the crew of the Normandy._

_M.E. Shepard, Lieutenant Commander, Systems Alliance_


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A huge debt of gratitude goes to ronqueesha for helping me write something that fit with the rest of the piece, followed my obsessive headcanon, and that I actually liked. In this case playing with new ideas gave me insight into fixing old ones. Thank you!

Mara was pretty sure Hackett was saying something but she couldn’t quite make out the words. They were bleeding together with everyone else’s. Anderson was admiring the view. Legion was reporting upload percentages. Thane was praying.

Kaidan was telling her about the first time he saw her.

Her shoulder hit the ground and the pain brought the Admiral’s voice to the forefront.

“It’s got to be something on your end.”

She dragged herself toward the control panel while Mordin began humming.

Kaidan was telling her to go back for Ashley.

“Commander Shepard!”

“I don’t see - ” She extended her hand, though she couldn’t decide if she was reaching for the console or the shadow standing behind it. “I’m not sure how to . . . ”

Her arm was too heavy. She couldn’t hold it up any more. In fact, her entire body was slowly turning to stone. The weight drew her down until her cheek rested on cool tile.

“Commander!”

She was suddenly buoyant, floating toward the ceiling, surrounded by Kaidan’s voice.

_“I know. . . .”_

* * *

_“. . . But you need to go.”_

Mara shook her head and tried to get her bearings. Her vision was dim but she could make out a blue-white beam some distance in front of her. Silhouetted against it, someone was walking toward her.

Her breath caught.

The dark outline was more than enough. She knew the shape of his shoulders and the way that he walked. She would have recognized him anywhere.

Kaidan.

She closed her eyes and hung her head. She wanted nothing more than to run to him, injuries be damned, but a crushing guilt kept her where she was. You were supposed to be on your knees when you begged for forgiveness.

 _I killed you,_ she thought. _I killed you for this._

She felt rather than saw him bend down toward her. A flicker of hope ran through her. If he was offering his hand, he must also be offering absolution. He was the only one who could but for him it would be that simple to make the nightmares stop.

When she looked up, though, she saw the nightmare was just beginning.

It wasn’t Kaidan, not really. It was a ghost of his form made of an electric light similar to the beam. It had appeared dark against the beam because it was less intense but now, up close, she could see it was the same.

What else did she expect? What other shape would the Reapers take at their last opportunity to torture her?

“Wake up,” it ordered, in a voice that was almost Kaidan’s but not quite.

“You’re not real,” she told herself.

She didn’t believe it and she knew that was the end. If she could not find truth in those words there was nothing left for her. She would be forever lost in dark woods, running toward a bombsite she would never reach and the man she left behind. A gray fog swirled around her, completely obscuring her sight, and she knew when it cleared the only thing she would ever see again was the bleak, black outline of trees.

_“I should have told you before.”_

Every muscle in her body tightened and her fingers curled around something in her hand. Something solid and familiar. It tethered her to reality. She raised the pistol and looked through its sight into the face of this thing that was not Kaidan.

“You’re not real!” she screamed. “And you can’t have him!”

She squeezed the trigger. The bullet impacted in its forehead and the light that created it began to dissipate. As it faded away into nothing a voice, now completely free of Kaidan’s, said, “So be it.”

* * *

The Reapers’ harvest of the cycle took another 183 years to complete but the resistance on Earth ended that day. In their desperate retreat, none of the fleeing ships were able to contact the ground-side teams, let alone the Citadel and their last, failed hope. So it was only the few remaining keepers who were privileged to see the peaceful smile on the face of Mara Shepard’s corpse. 


End file.
